To Blossom or to Decompose

​

to blossom or to decompose 

making sure to count every toe

in case im missing one

my left big toe cracks every morning

it has my whole life and continues to do so as if im not in mourning

it doesn't realize my whole life has stopped

neither do my other bones 

or my classmates phones

i hope out of their hands they're dropped

i keep ratting out my friends

always a snitch in the midst of dead ends

I'm destroying the few ties i have left

always impulsive decisions

restless vocal cords giving out hasty permissions

i want to say no

excited to give up my body

finding someone who wants the corpse that lives in beauty poverty

but no one does

tears are the only things kissing my cheeks

and my frustration to break the path that is forming before i can speak

is causing me to lash out

maybe tomorrow ill paint a hand on my face 

in hopes of the feeling of a slap i can chase

because i want to be hurt

i want to be seen and i want to be loved

but my toe cracks again today, this time as i am shoved

rolling down the stairs 

my head doesnt split open at the bottom

my blank eyes used to the unexpected abuse of life stare at the ceiling imagining a coffin

but i am still here

to decompose or to blossom

but i am undergoing neither

i am stuck suffocating in the dirt

waiting. waiting.

an eternity in the ether

​

Kaerie Martin