The Holiday Season

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Tis the season, where all is merry and bright.

Except instead of the cheerful joy this time of the year brings,

all that fills me is a cold dark void

Extinguished candles and cold winter nights in my solitude make me believe happy families act in spite of someone like me, eternally alone for the holidays.

There are worse things happening to other people and this is a time to be grateful, but what is there to be grateful for? 

I am grateful for the food I eat sitting alone at a table bereft of good conversation and fancy wine.

I am grateful for the roof over my head, while there is too much space for one, only reminding me that there's no one else to fill it.

I am grateful to be here. To be alive.

But what is life without anyone to buy gifts for, tailored to show our love and attention to the small but meaningful things.

As the world goes on without me, I try to find comfort in the tangible things I have.

But clouds in my coffee can’t distract me from the stillness of my life.

And as if the city has been wiped out: the silence is strange, the silence is threatening, and the silence will inevitably get to me.

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Taylor Shwartz